Match.com, eHarmony, Jdate, etc. – the places where anonymity, hope, and false bravado merge and the promise of true love hangs in the galaxy of the internet…
Well, I’ve taken it upon myself to develop some new criteria for finding one’s soul mate. The standard categories of age, religion, politics, hobbies, etc. are fine, but they usually just serve as roadmaps to narrowing the field. What the internet dating world needs is some concrete markers for identifying those who we’ll mesh with and those with whom we’ll never see eye to eye.
Criteria No. 1: The Elevator Button – if you are one of those people who presses the elevator button after it is already lit, then we’re not going to make it as a couple.
Criteria No. 2: The Pocket Calculator – if you are one of those people who whips out your pocket calculator to figure out how much to tip at dinner (you hold firm to 15%), then we’re not going to make it as a couple. (This is also known as “being cheap”, in case you couldn’t read between the lines).
Criteria No. 3: The Home Cooked Meal – if you are one of those people who thinks that every meal should be prepared at home, then we’re not going to make it as a couple.
Criteria No. 4: Socks with Sandals – If you are one of those men who wears socks with sandals, we’re not going to make it as a couple.
Criteria No. 5: Wide Hips – If your hips are wider than mine and your ass looks like that of a farm girl at the state fair, we’re not going to make it as a couple.
Criteria No. 6: Jewelry – if you wear more jewelry than I do, we’re not going to make it as a couple.
Criteria No. 7: Sophistication – if you think that buying a bottle of Yellow Tail is your fulfillment of bringing a high-end wine to a dinner party, we’re not going to make it as a couple. (And yes, this criteria has a zillion subcategories, thus eliminating entire dating populations with one fell swoop).
I could go on and one, but you get the picture. To my husband – I thank you every day for not being in any of the aforementioned categories. You’re a perfect match for me.