Out of Control – The Invasion of the Stinkbugs

Okay folks.   This morning my husband cranked open the window in the kitchen only to witness 21 (yes, 21, he counted them) stinkbugs land within one minute on the screen.  On Saturday, as I left the house, the front door, entry step, and double garage doors were covered with stinkbugs.  It was like a scene from Hitchcock’s “The Birds,” only this time it was stinkbugs.  It was a grossly disturbing site.  They are taking over!

Now, mind you, there is more than one variety of stinkbug.  Most of us are familiar with the “traditional” muddy brown colored version.  We are now personally experiencing an invasion of the red and black version.  They are narrower in body type, but just as disgusting and consistent in their behavior as their less vibrant cousins.  My husband, Kurt, takes every opportunity possible to kill them.  He will go outside equipped with a handful of Bounty (and only Bounty) paper towels and just annihilate as many as possible.  I know this makes him feel better, but I doubt it is making a dent in the worldwide stinkbug population.  My son, a chip off the old block, has also become quite skilled in stinkbug extermination.  (I’m a wee bit proud of his bravery.)  But, as we all know, there is no antidote for stinkbugs.  (Some websites claim to have sprays to eradicate them, but I am skeptical.)  One article I read said that they are attracted to the leaves of tomato plants.  So much for pots of tomatoes on my new deck.  It took me 48 years to get my first house, and now I can’t plant a damn tomato plant because of these buggers.  I am beyond angry.  Our only salvation is that a cold front will move in soon (who would have thought that I’d wish for cold weather) and that they will go into hibernation.

I would like to point out that the home front is just one area where these ruthless creatures roam.  My husband has now been identified as a P.S.B.K. (Professional Stink Bug Killer).  This is, in fact, a certification of the highest order — much higher than obtaining a Ph.D., for example, or a medical degree.   Although Kurt possesses that ever-so-endearing juris doctorate degree, it is indeed his P.S.B.K. certification that is most valued in the workplace.  Random shouts of panic from co-workers (male and female alike) automatically elicit a call to action as he enters the battlefield of offices, cubicles, computers and whatnot to fend off the mighty beasts.  Tears of gratefulness and hearty handshakes are proffered.  Humbleness ensues.  This is a man whose mission is to singlehandedly eradicate an entire species.  I hope he succeeds.

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